Exclusive Connections: The Hotline for Nerds and Geeks [Video Parody]

Paris Hilton and Amy Schumer in The Nerd Chatline SNL Sketch

Nerds of the world, rejoice! Play out your deepest, darkest, and sexiest fan-tasies without leaving the comfort of your Mountain Dew-soaked sofa. No awkward dates necessary.

This is the premise behind Paris Hilton’s hilarious phone sex line skit on SNL. The video- though obviously a bit dated considering that Paris Hilton (remember her?) stars in it- explores the hilarity behind the concept of a sex hotline for nerds.

Remember those late night TV commercials that run promotions for phone sex hotlines? This is exactly like that, with just one glaring difference: the operators aren’t your usual phone sex operators. Instead of playing the same old male-fantasy stereotypes, the girls manning the phones are trained to cater to the, uhm, specific tastes of the male geek populace.

Take for example the first girl that appears after Paris’s’ introduction. She’s a level eight dungeon master with a “big sharp vorpal sword” and she’s here to take your Dungeons and Dragons-loving heart away. Not a fan of D&D and prefer someone who’s into lightsabers and blasters and Force-wielding? Well, try out the hotline’s very own “Lea Organa” then. You might not be as charismatic or as handsome as Han Solo in real life, but this is your “only hope” (pun intended) in getting with a hottie like Lea in real life.

Speaking of intergalactic babes, how about someone from another beloved space series? Star Trek fans: let Nyota Uhura take you to a place where no man has ever gone before (also the woman to talk to if you want to learn more about Vulcan mating practices).

Feeling like a dirty, little hobbit? Well, why not talk to an elven princess of your own? Straight from Rivendell, this elven royalty will send you and your naughty, dirty ways straight to Mordor. She will definitely let you pass, indeed.

This phone hotline might be in the realm of fiction for now, but boy do we hope that we get something like it in the future.